ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A GIANTESS CHICK NAMED SKADI
Her father, Thiazi, went to go steal the apples of youth back from Loki who had stolen them from Asgard to Jotunheim but then returned them to Asgard to possibly be stolen back by Jotunheim
ANYWAY, THEY KILLED THIAZI.
SO SKADI IS LIKE “YOU ASSGARDHOLES” AND STORMS THEIR GATES
but the gods are like, “WHAT DO YOU WANT ICE PRINCESS”
and she’s literally says, “I’ll settle for a husband and a bellyful of laughter.”
yes, this is an adequate compensation for killing other people’s parental units.
HUSBANDS AND GIGGLES
she wants to hook up with the god Balder because he’s Mr. Sex, but Odin says she can only choose by looking at the everyone’s feet
so she chooses whoever has the sexiest feet
and LO! it isn’t Balder, it’s NJORD!
NJOOOOORD. Damn, that’s fun to say.
so she’s like “SHITBALLS, FOILED AGAIN” and NJOOOOORD is like “Well, at least it wasn’t Loki”
and I’m like “Shut up, NJOOORD. You are just jealous.”
the gods have to figure out a way to get Skadi to laugh in bellyfuls
and Odin goes “OH LOKIIIIIIIIII”
“MAKE HER LAUGH”
and then shit gets weird.
‘Loki produced a long leather thong from behind his back.’
why is Loki carrying around a leather thong
yes it’s actually a cord of some sort
keep that thought.
So he starts telling a story about going to market with a goat, except that his hands were full and the goat was giving him issues
so he ties one end of the thong/string/cord thing to the goat’s beard
‘So I tied this goat to a teguement…’
The word “tegument” comes from “integument”, which means “tough outer protective layer”
‘A tegument?’ said Skadi. (and the rest of us)
‘Lady,’ said Loki, ‘my testicles!’ And he looped the thong behind his scrotum.”
LOKI TIED A GOAT TO HIS BALLS.
HIS TRICKSTER BALLS.
‘OWK!’ squawked Loki, as the goat suddenly yanked the thong.
‘Owk!’ squawked the goat as Loki pulled back.
(WE INTERRUPT THIS PROGRAM TO WONDER HOW THE HELL A GOAT SQUAWKS)
“It was a tug of war.”
THERE IS A TUG OF WAR GOING ON BETWEEN A GOAT AND LOKI’S BALLS
AVENGERS DELETED SCENE
and then the goat loses and Loki falls back into Skadi’s arms and she laughs and marries NJOOOORD and they bang in Jotunheim and Asgard but neither likes each other’s home so they decide to have a long distance marriage
but the point is
Loki decides that, shit, when your arms are full of groceries, just tie everything else to your balls.
Loki honey the things you do for the gods
Odin orders you to stop a vengeful giantess
you tie a goat to your balls
Odin orders you to get some cool weapons for free
you have to bite filthy dwarves and nearly get your head cut off
Odin orders you to save the gods some money on a building
you get knocked up by a magic horse
no wonder you were so pissed off by the time Ragnarok happened