And it’s 97 degrees outside. >_< North Carolina in May, ladies and gentlemen. It just goes downhill from here.
I love P!ATD, but I really didn’t want to go out tonight. I’ve been falling asleep on my feet for the past week, but I’m not lacking in sleep at night. I just feel so fatigued, and as soon as I’ve been awake for three hours I need to take a nap.
In happier news I turned 17 this weekend, pierced my ears again, and watched Fame which I ended up loving.
I just remembered I’m going to miss I See Stars on Jimmy Kimmel tonight. I’m very proud of the boys though and I can’t wait to watch it when I get home!
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
- W. H. Auden
Bridget Zinn, a writer whose blog I’d followed for years, has died. (She had cancer. She was 33.) I didn’t know her at all except as a fan of her storytelling. Even so, I was reminded of this great poem by W. H. Auden, which I love because it is unafraid to be angry and despondent in the face of loss.
“Only incorrigible bohemians find it boring or laughable when a man of talent outgrows the libertine chrysalis stage and begins to perceive and express the dignity of the intellect, adopting the courtly ways of a solitude replete with bitter suffering and inner battles though eventually gaining a position of power and honor among men.”—
I was going to post my pictures with TAI, but I looked at them and they are so painfully awkward
I have a lot of memories, though.
October 1st, 2008. First time I saw them. I met Michael before the show, and I was so nervous. First time I was on the barricade. First time I got to the venue early and stayed late after. It also marked the last time I had a panic attack in the very bad nine-month bout. I remember William asking me and my friends about homeschooling.
January 21st, 2009. It was a little acoustic show with The Cab. It was actually how I got into The Cab. I’d been going through a rough spot with an ex-friend, and I remember hearing Seed and for the first time truly understanding what it was about. I met Lyndsay there.
October 30th, 2009. My first time at the AP Tour. We got caught in the mosh pit and left for the balcony, only to see that the crowd was perfectly calm. Lost In Pacific Time had just come out and they played Sputter-my favourite TAI song. I was able to thank William for everything his songs had done for me. That was the last show I met Andy, and I didn’t get a picture.
August 28th, 2010. I went to see Kiss so I could see TAI. If that’s not love for a band, I don’t know what is. It’slikeseeingBlink182becauseIloveMCR. It was a Santi-heavy setlist, which was of course amazing. Bulls In Brooklyn, anyone?
I will miss Andy and Michael so much. I hope they have good luck with everything they do, and I hope TAI carries on well. They’re one of my favourite bands and this news is really upsetting.
The new song is gorgeous though. I can’t sleep on nights like these, stuck in Chicago staring at the ceiling. I’m looking for something to believe in. Walk these city streets, do you remember me? Remember when, remember when I was all that you needed? Oh oh, Chicago, I’m leaving.
Please keep loving me when the thought of loosing what we are feels like deaths cold breath on the back of our necks.
When we are lumps in throats, and when we are butterflies in stomachs.
Please keep loving me when it does not come so naturally.
When it is not easy.
When it feels more like work, than like play, please keep loving me.
Please keep loving me through when my blind carelessness or my dishonesty i scratch open our old wounds.
And when our wild animal hearts begin to tug at their chains cursing everthing that holds them home, please keep loving me.
When your eye wanders more often than it watches over me, and when your body lusts for new adventures love me.
If ever the shadow you cast colors a darker shade, the pillows the blankets, the body of another, lying in a place that feels more like the scene of a crime then like a home.
Even then, especially then, please keep loving me.
And when old faults are far behind us, lets laugh at the day were living. and happily go where it takes us.
Lets hold the brightest hopes for tomorrow and the day after that.
Love me, when we make copies of ourselves; And spend decades mixing in the best ingredients we each have to offer up.
Through all of that though challenging as it will be, please keep loving me.
One day those children will move away. To search for love. Love like what their parents had.
And we will make our circle small again.
In times when our perfect harmony is the envy of all of our friends of course, please keep loving me.
But love me just as well when that perfect harmony is nothing more than a mirage our friends see from their desolate perspective.
When I am the boat and you are the sea i want to be a wave or the wind or the shore, but we cant help what we are and for a short time we may refuse to flow together.
please keep loving me while we wait for calmer weather and for the safety of low tide and then in those last years, when whats left of old tattoos, the fading blue blotches are joined by brown spots of age, marking our crinkled sea through skin please keep loving me.
When the house we bought with the money we earned, from selling off our youthful years, starts to fall apart, when the pain chips and the pipes leak; when our floorboards and our walls give way to wind.
And our hallways creak and shiver, when the roof begins to let in rain.
When our love pushes up with the same strength of gravity, it will be what holds that old house together.
When even more years have escaped us, and when our sons and daughters come home for hoildays, with pamphlets from rest homes, hoping to coax us from the only comfort we’ve known. Lets both try and remember, they only want the best for us.
Love me when they’ve taken us away. to make new friends at card tables, to roll around in chair parades, to shuffle on canes, to wait out the twilight in buffet lines and when we’ve settled in to rust up and die of natural causes, love me as you watch me being scooped up off the floor, by a well trained, staff of strangers.
Before during and after all of this, love me and i will love you. when our sight begins to fail us as we are coming to the end, i hope we can clearly see the reasons we’ve spent the only lives we had together.
when all this truth comes to be, please, please, keep loving me.
I wasn’t going to post anything about it until then, but I wanted to mention that I’m getting my second earlobe holes. :) I wish I could be getting that lip piercing I’ve wanted since I was 14, but that’s off limits for now. Same with tattoos, although that’s a legal matter rather than a parental rule. Oh well. Next year’s birthday (#18!) will mark the first tattoo, and I guess I’ll see about a lower lip piercing after that.
I’m really not into heavy body modification, and the phrase itself kind of gives me the creeps. Body modification sounds to me like operations and removals. As far as lots of piercings goes, I just don’t think it would look good on me. I just really love lip piercings and if I don’t like it, I can let it close back up. As far as tattoos go, as long as they’re small and meaningful I think they’ll be a great addition to my body.
How I’ve explained it to others is, in my head I already have tattoos. They are already a part of me, and I’m just waiting to make myself match how I look in my mind’s eye.
It’s kind of funny to me that ear piercings aren’t considered as massive changes in our culture, while facial piercings are. Other cultures don’t consider nose piercings unusual, and tribal tattoos are very common.
There you have my musings on body art. I kind of deviated from the point…my 17th birthday is on Friday!
“Rory is supposed to be dead. After all, he was dead or dying before he was erased from existence. However, Amy is some sort of reality warper(possibly due to the crack) and she brought him back. Now, the universe keeps trying to right itself, hence the reason Rory keeps dying. Amy keeps warping reality to cancel this. Eventually, this will start having really bad effects on the universe and Amy will have to accept the loss and let Rory die for good in order to prevent the end of the world as we know it.
This could also explain why the TARDIS sensors can’t figure out if Amy is pregnant or not. She is pregnant with Rory’s child, but Rory is supposed to be dead, so the baby both does and doesn’t exist.”—
The silence is a gift, but I only feel the void. Go ahead, give in. Pick up my things and stay the course. Others around me fight for their families without second thought or remorse. What is the truth about true romance? Is it written in chapters and stacked in sale-rack paperbacks, eaten up by housewives and lonely mothers who dream of stronger men and thinner thighs? Well, as for me, I’d call that sort of thing something else all together… Is it diamond laden rings stuffed in satin boxes, molded and sold to turn profits, while fathers and sons throw college tuitions away thanks to mortgages and credit card interest rates? I don’t think money and jewelry have ever answered any of my questions. I think I’ll settle for a cat nap and stew inside this tension… It may be about time to decide and finalize this tired revision, but I’ve always followed my own watch and usually turned up late, driving only fast enough to still be moving. But after stepping into this world of time and space, I may have found my common place and my first time not regretting it.
I’ll be coming home soon, and I can speak it with a smile that I’m coming home to you.